Failli :: Connecting

I am a dancer. In ballet,  the name 'Failli' refers to a particular ballet movement;  it  is a connecting step, connecting one movement to another.

Ballet is just as much a part of me as knitting and creating. I began taking ballet classes around the same time as when I learned how to knit. I needed something to keep both my hands and my feet occupied. When my grandmother sat me down and gave me scraps of brown and yellow yarn and long, cumbersome needles she was instructing me in a craft that was taught, shared and connected throughout many generations.

Whether through a memory or visual contact, knitting IS connecting.

Those on the home front during WWII knitted for their soldiers and with every stitch felt closer and contributed love and practicality to the war effort.
A handknitted heirloom to wrap up a wee one brings up sweet memories of the loving hands that stitched together such a piece.

We connect through love; passing on art, technique, memories and heirlooms making this a beautiful dance of the generations.

{I Know}

This is how I know I love you.

I know I love you because I want to get you soup and green tea when you're sick. Not only do I want to get soup and green tea for you, I want to make soup and green tea for you out of love and lovely ingredients.

I know I love you because I want you to eat healthy foods even when you're not sick. I love you enough to tell you exactly why THAT is bad for you and THIS is better for you. And then I'll talk about it much longer than necessary because I want you to know I care what goes into your body.

I know I love you because I worry about the stuff people who love you worry about. Like the amount of sleep you're getting or how fast you drive (was he buckled up? I hope he doesn't text while driving) or if you're getting enough vitamin B. Also, whether or not you check your mailbox or eat real butter.

I know I love you because I want to listen to you talk. Really listen. Everything else can wait because you are special to me and what you say is important. It doesn't matter if we've already talked about it 18 times already, we'll talk about it 4 more times and that's ok because I want to know what's on your mind and on your heart. Your thoughts are important and I value them.

I know I love you because I'm proud of you. Not just proud, but heart-swelling, full out grin on my face proud. Like, "That's MY man. That's who he is and what he does and how he lives." I am proud to stand with you, proud to walk alongside you.  Proud to be known to be with you. Proud to point across the room at you and say,"That's him." And not even try to wipe the smile off of my face.

I know I love you because I can't imagine spending life without you. I can't imagine not holding hands the way we do, or saying, "Ciao, baby" instead of goodbye.  I love you because you are the man of my dreams and I want to be by your side always.

This, I know.

Hey, I'm Beautiful!

I used to be a desert. I was all dried up and barren. A very parched soul and heart, with not much feeling, not much emotion. I was so dry that I didn't even know I needed water. (Insert significant nod to Dekker's Horde.) I had become used to my barren heart. And I was very content with it, thank you. When presented with Water, I wanted nothing to do with it. (Again, Scab-like) Why would Someone want to pour out waters of refreshing on me? I guarantee there was nothing special about me; I was not worth making a fuss over, please don't waste your time on me, nothing good can come out of my dusty, dry heart.

Could all that is lost ever be found, Could a garden come up from this ground at all?


"Wake up, O Sleeper! Rise from the dead and Christ will shine upon you!" (Eph. 5:14)

 I had a wake up call. It was time to be raised from the death I was slowly dying, inside and outside. Louie Giglio via Passion 2012 via streaming online via a reminder from a friend very pointedly and directly yelled out during his sermon to, "WAKE UP! YOU ARE DYING!" My heart skipped a beat. I wasn't paying much attention up until this point.  He was explaining a miracle of Jesus in the gospel of Luke. Jesus was headed into the town of Nain where a funeral was taking place. Death was in the air. Not only had a widow lost her husband, she had lost her son as well. This woman had no reason or interest to continue living anymore. Her heart was all dried up. Her heart was broken and I related with this woman. I'm sure she had many sleepless nights. She probably didn't eat much. Or talk much. I knew. I know. She was dying, too. Me too.

You make beautiful things out of the dust

Nain means 'beautiful pasture'. Jesus came into this once beautiful, lush way of life and cleared the dust and death and despair. He restored life not only back into the widow's son but also into the widow's heart. In fact, He went to the widow immediately and told her not to weep.

I didn't want to hurt anymore. Actually, I wanted to feel something other than pain. I wanted to feel safe and I wanted to live again. Jesus gently, ever so gently, watered my heart, softened my heart. Tended to my garden and is cultivating my heart to become a beautiful pasture. 

All around hope is springing up from this old ground Out of chaos life is being found in You

Gardens take time. My garden is being weeded and watered and nourished. I want my life to be fruitful. I want to be Nain, a beautiful pasture.

You make me new, You are making me new You make me new, You are making me new

You make beautiful things You make beautiful things out of us



(Lyrics from 'Beautiful Things' by Gungor)




x

{A Quiver Full}

"You have five brothers? And you're the only girl? YOU POOR THING."

There are few things that thoroughly frustrate me. One would be the ever occurring reference to my 'youthful looks'. I don't look my 25 years and frequently get mistaken for a high schooler, or asked what my plans for college look like. This one has taken me years to formulate a gracious response to, when disclosing my actual age. The only upside to this situation is seeing the looks of surprise on faces. It's almost worth it. Almost.

Most recently is the reference to my band of brothers and the assumption that I am absolutely miserable being the only female and have barely made it thus far without breaking down, or turning into a 'boyish girl', or being treated as 'one of the guys'. Be it known: this is furthest from the truth.

I dearly love my brothers and they dearly love me. I am treated as a lady and with great respect. I've never been consider by them as 'one of the guys', but rather as a welcome addition.

My five brothers protect, defend and watch out for me. Actually, to the point of frustration. Actually, it's sweet.

I would rather spend time with my brothers than anyone else. All five of them have a subtle, sarcastic sense of humor and are intellectually strong. They're all brilliant (no, really). I mean, who wouldn't want to hang out with guys like that?

Each one loves the Lord with their whole heart and strives to honor Him with their lives. They are theologically sound; they know their Scripture and they know their Savior.

One guy is a God-honoring lawyer in the making; one is a happily married photographer and IT extraordinaire. One fellow is a mathematical genius and musician with some theological know up his sleeve. Another is a quiet strength that leads by example and another is the sweetest all-American, tried and true, patriotic Boy Scout you'll ever meet.

I am not a POOR THING by any means. I am a RICH WOMAN and am proud of all five of my men.

"Sons are a heritage from the Lord; children are a reward from Him. Like arrows in the hand of the warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man who's quiver is full of them. They will not be ashamed when the contend with their enemies in the gate." Psalms 127:3-5

(note: a 'quiver full' is five arrows!)

Workin' On it!

Well, let's see. Here's an update on my goals for this year. I'm actually surprised at how much I've accomplished. I am either currently working hard on said goals, or realizing that some are not that important/wise/ or just plain old unrealistic. So. Let's take this one by one. (You can read my goals in all their glory here.)

Item 1.) Climb to the top of our State's capital building. I'm not scratching this off the list. For some reason, I've frequented the Capital more so than usual the past month. I've been a part of Art's Day and have used it as a weekly meeting place. So, now the next step would be to befriend a local (a.k.a. a Senator). I've actually met a few wives of Senators and Delegates who pop in to the yarn shop on occasion (new job::long story), so there's potential! Fingers are crossed.

Item 2.) Get involved in a Bible Study/Prayer Group. While I'm not involved in a former study, I'm definitely studying and praying with a few very close friends. I still want to work on something bigger, so this goal is in progress.

Item 3.) Test drive a sports car. I've also turned my attention to motorcycles. They go fast. I like fast. Fingers are crossed here, too.

Item 4.) Travel out of state. Wow. This one was easier than I expected. Right off the bat, I went up to visit Jordan in Ohio and from there we drove up to Indiana for a bit. A few weeks ago, my grandmother passed away, so that was a trip to Pittsburgh. In another few weeks, I'll be off to a different part of Ohio to visit an old friend. So yay. Check mark for me!

Item 5.) Meet new people/deepen relationships. This is happening! Definitely have met new people and working hard to strengthen the friendships I do have. Another check mark.

Item 6.) Run a marathon. Ok, this is one of those goals that is just unwise at the time. I was working towards a half marathon in April, but it just wasn't happening. I would not have had ample time to prepare, plus the weather was/is cold, and I need to get at a healthy weight before I start losing calories. And I need new shoes. :) This sounds like a lot of excuses, haha. Eventually, friend. It'll happen.

Item 7.) Ballroom lessons. You guys! This is happening too! As part of a fundraiser, The Macholah Ballet is bringing in ballroom instructors for our Gala! Learning Swing, Waltz and Foxtrot. Check mark.

Item 8.) Get married.  Hahahahahahahahaha. Pardon me. Fingers are crossed. :)

Item 9.) Decrease my clothing. Checkmark. Went through all my clothes and have piled and sorted them for Ebay, Goodwill and consignment shop. I have a lot of clothes.

Item 10.) Increase my vocabulary.  I am doing this by reading more. Lots of Matthew Henry and G.K. Chesterton.

It's happening! I'm very pleased. Maybe I'll make another set of goals in a few months.

{Someday}

Someday we'll drive really fast in your car with the windows open and my hair will fly everywhere and we'll laugh and laugh. I can't wait.

Someday we'll lay close on an old quilt and count the stars and point out the Big Dipper and whisper to each other. I can't wait.

Someday we'll cuddle by the fire with cups of hot goodness and you'll read aloud and we'll have serious conversations. I can't wait.

Someday we'll paint a wall and crank up the music really loud and sing along and splatter paint on each other. I can't wait.

Someday, I can't wait to meet you.

Where, O where, has my focus gone?

Where, O where can it be?
If I could sum up 2011 with one word, for me, it would be 'focus'. My focus has shifted from one thing to another, back and forth, up and down; lost focus, regained focus and now steady focus. Things, people and ideals are all components of my focal shift. But they are not to blame.

My weak will is, revealing my increasing desperate need of a steadfast Savior. One who is full of Grace when I fall short. One who is unchanging when I am always changing. One who is Truth Himself when I am not true to myself. One who will never leave me alone, when I consistently leave Him. One who, "Hems me in-behind and before."

"For where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I go from Your presence?"

His growing, abounding, unending Grace silences me.
When my focus rests on Him, He is full of compassion and abounding in Love. When my focus rests on Him, my desire to see His face grows deeper.

This year, I have found myself studying Heaven: the place where His glory dwells! Never had I such an intense longing for Heaven and things unseen!
To be in His presence; where all is made new. Where all longings and desires are fulfilled by Jesus Himself. To gaze upon His beauty.

Oh, my foolish heart.

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it! Prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart! Lord, take and seal it: seal it for Thy courts above!

Ready, Set, Go!

Some frivolous, some bold. Goals, all the same.

1.) I really want to go to the very top of our state's capital building dome. All the way up. I've heard there's a little man who sits guard by the door that leads up. The view, I imagine, is fabulous from up there.

2.) I want to get involved in a Bible study/prayer group. Essential.

3.) I want to test drive a spiffy sports car and speed down the highway. Just for like a few minutes.

4.) I want to travel out of state more. Last year I only made it to Ohio, New York and North Carolina. I can do better. So far, on my planner for the coming year is Chicago, Illinois in January and Jackson, Mississippi in June.

5.) Meet new people! Develop new acquaintances and deepen relationships. Expand my circle of friends.

6.) I think I want to run a marathon.. I've been running for a while. My original purpose of running was to clear my head, pray, and push my body in ways similar to that of when I danced. However, I'd actually like to train for an event and set goals for myself.

7.) I want to take some ballroom dancing lessons. Really bad.

8.) Get married. There, I said it. Bold and rash? Perhaps. Anything can happen.

9.) Significantly decrease the amount of clothing in my closet. Significantly.

10.) Significantly increase my vocabulary. Apparently, I'm lacking.

{A Woman of Strength and Softness}

Surrendered heart, not surrendered identity

a strength to be reckoned with

She does not demand respect

but you want to give it to her

Her presence invites you to rest

in fact she is like a tree

holding forth nurturing branches

not a spiderweb, trapping you for her soul food

Her vulnerability is so lovely

you cannot keep your soul out of hers

She is marked by genuine kindness

of one who has already forgiven you

for how you will fail her

She exudes the kind of strength

that trusts and waits and suffers

as unto God's purposes, not her own

She lays her own life down

like a lamb, not a dog

Her surrender flows from her love

not fear or desperation

Her surrender is a chosen thing

She lives in the vulnerability of her longing to be treasured

her longing to be known

her longing to be invited in

But she lets her disillusionment

tenderize, not toughen her heart

She does not hold the objects of her love captive

She does not make them pay

or tie them to her with guilt

or keep them in terror of her critical eye

But rather lets them fly free

Enjoying all the more the reunion

They get to choose to be with her

She lives at the mercy of no one

She is captive only to the Father

Thus she is free to love

Even if it means she loses

She chooses doing love over getting love.

Written by Lottie K. Hillard

{The Invitation}

It doesn’t interest me

what you do for a living.

I want to know

what you ache for

and if you dare to dream

of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me

how old you are.

I want to know

if you will risk

looking like a fool

for love

for your dream

for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me

what planets are

squaring your moon…

I want to know

if you have touched

the centre of your own sorrow

if you have been opened

by life’s betrayals

or have become shrivelled and closed

from fear of further pain.

I want to know

if you can sit with pain

mine or your own

without moving to hide it

or fade it

or fix it.

I want to know

if you can be with joy

mine or your own

if you can dance with wildness

and let the ecstasy fill you

to the tips of your fingers and toes

without cautioning us

to be careful

to be realistic

to remember the limitations

of being human.

It doesn’t interest me

if the story you are telling me

is true.

I want to know if you can

disappoint another

to be true to yourself.

If you can bear

the accusation of betrayal

and not betray your own soul.

If you can be faithless

and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty

even when it is not pretty

every day.

And if you can source your own life

from its presence.

I want to know

if you can live with failure

yours and mine

and still stand at the edge of the lake

and shout to the silver of the full moon,

“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me

to know where you live

or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up

after the night of grief and despair

weary and bruised to the bone

and do what needs to be done

to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me

who you know

or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand

in the centre of the fire

with me

and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me

where or what or with whom

you have studied.

I want to know

what sustains you

from the inside

when all else falls away.

I want to know

if you can be alone

with yourself

and if you truly like

the company you keep

in the empty moments.

By Oriah © The Invitation,

{Seeing Clearly}

We don't yet see things clearly

We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist

But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright

We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us,

knowing him directly just as he knows us.

But for right now, until that completeness

We have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation;

Trust steadily in God

Hope unswervingly

Love extravagantly

And the best of the three is love. 

I Corinthians 13:12-13

via little victories

{Once in a While}

Every once in a while, the clouds break and the sun shines through.

The air clears and I can see.

I can see clearly, like through an open door, an open book, an open mind.

The dust settles after months of searching in clutter; looking for the obvious, the apparent, with a closed mind, a closed book, a closed door.

Oblivious to the obvious.

Every once in a while, my eyes open and I see what I've been missing.

It is sparse, it is rare.

I can only see it if my eyes are open, if I am ready and expecting it.

It comes every once in a while.

It does not stay for long.

It's like the full moon or the changing seasons or the way newborns smile.

Catch it, capture it, hold it close.

And then, let it go.

by: me

Musings

These are a few random thoughts I've been mulling over for a while. They aren't connected. Maybe they are. I think there's a tiny thread that links them together. But maybe not.

I've always been a big advocate for change. Change is good. I hate getting stuck in a routine; I like to spice it up a little.

Memories are hard to erase. In fact, they are pretty much impossible to erase without starting life over again. And when everything you see, touch, smell, hear brings back a painful memory, it's time to make new ones. Or start life over again. Hm.

It's amazing the things that get accomplished under stress. Sometimes I amaze myself. I've gotten more done this past month than I have all summer. And the way your body gets used to daily stress, now that's odd.

"Where two or three are gathered in My name, I am there in the midst of them." This is talking about unity. Where there is no unity, He cannot manifest Himself in us. It doesn't necessarily refer to prayer. It's anything you set your hand or mind to that glorifies His name. And if it doesn't bring honor and glory to His name, I ask you to whose name does it bring?

It's not about me. Or you. It's about Him. The striving to be a better person and trying to become more holy is intensely selfish.

Now behold the Lamb! Born into sin that I may live again, He's the precious Lamb of God.

Make Me Swoon

Last week, while waiting in the dentist's office, I was flipping through a popular magazine and came across an article called "15 Ways to Charm a Southern Girl".These were 'tips' for guys hoping to catch a date. It was encouraging to find the women still do appreciate and embrace real 'gentlemen'. Apparently, all these women live in the South.

The first couple tips were your standard Gentleman 101 basics:

1.) Stand up for a lady (this doesn't always involve chairs)
2.) Hold doors open
3.) Take your hat off inside
4.) Stand when we come back to the table

And the rest, which are all nice and good, were I guess important to a Southern girl:

5.) Wear boots
6.) Kill bugs
7.) Fix or build things
8.) Grill stuff

A few weeks ago I was in a wedding. The day before the ceremony, a few bridesmaids and I were at the church decorating and setting up. I remember I was taking a few boxes out to the car and this guy appeared (I think he worked at the church) and he held the door open for me and said, "There you go, ma'am." I know I looked at him strangely. I don't think I've ever been called 'ma'am' before by someone who didn't look a day older than myself.

Being a gentleman is a lost art. While you don't have to wear boots while grilling me a steak on the back porch you built, I definitely sit up and pay attention when to you when you call me 'ma'am' or stand up when I enter the room. It makes me feel, well, like a lady.
And God knows we need that defining value in this day and age.

Yesterday

I wrote this a few days ago while reflecting on the past year....

YESTERDAY

Yesterday I had a dream
a hope
a plan.

Yesterday I had love
had peace
had security.

Yesterday my life made sense
was safe
looked good.

Yesterday ended.

Now,
Today.

Part of my devotion, is reading My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers. Guess what last night's reading was about. Yep, "Yesterday".

Here is a bit:

"God is the God of our yesterdays, and He allows the memory of them to turn the past into a ministry of spiritual growth for our future. God reminds us of the past to protect us from a very shallow security in the present.

Our yesterdays hold broken and irreversible things for us. It is true that we have lost opportunities that will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past rest, but let it rest in the sweet embrace of Christ.

Leave the broken, irreversible past in His hands, and step out into the invincible future with Him."

Here's to Today.